PHONOTOONS
PhonoJokes
and PhonoHumor
The Red Cloud
Republican, January 11, 1890
The Red Cloud
Republican, June 7, 1895
(Source: Nebraska
State Journal, June 28, 1895)
Coroner. -- What killed
the man?
Druggist. -- I don't know.
He was listening to the phonograph and fell over dead.
Coroner. -- What tune have
you in the machine?
Druggist.' -- Ta-ra-ra-Boom-de-ay.
(Source: The
Phonoscope, Aprill 1898)
"Dora's a bright girl."
"Yes?"
"Yes. I started to propose to her
the other night and she brought out a phonograph and made me repeat
the proposal into the machine, and that isn't the worst of it, either."
"No?"
"No. After I got through she politely
thanked me and said she was making a collection."
(Source: The Phonoscope,
October 1898)
An exhibitor gave an entertainment in
a church recently at the conclusion of which he packed up his paraphennalia.
As he was about to depart he picked up his carrying-case, the latch
of which was unfastened and out fell every one of the seventy-two
records contained therein. Being in church he could not give vent
to his feelings and didn't feel inclined to pray, so he remarked:
"Well, that settles it; the last time I went to church I was
married. This time I have broken every one of my records. Well, I
will never go to church again; it's a Jonah for me."
(Source: The Phonoscope,
August 1899)
I've had a couple of Phonographs
stolen," yelled a music dealer as he rushed into the station house.
"Never mind," replied a
detective. "I'll get the thief. It's a single man."
"How do you know?"
"Because no married man
would steal a talking machine."
(Source: The Phonogram,
1900)
Nebraska State Journal,
June 8, 1900
"Heavens, Maria! Was
that Phonograph open during the cat fight?"
"No. I turned it on
last night when you were sleeping. Perhaps you will believe now that
you snore."
Life as reprinted
by The Phonogram, February 1901
WILLIE WISELY'S WAY
Mrs. Wisely -- John, I
was just reading about a man who traded his wife for a phonograph.
Now isn't that horrible?
Mr. Wisely -- Not at all,
Mary; a phonograph will not talk without winding. He knew his business.
(Source: New York
Evening Sun as quoted in The Edison Phonograph Monthly,
April 1903)
"Goodness, Maria, was that
Phonograph open during a dog fight?"
"No, I turned it on last
night when you were sleeping. Perhaps you will believe now that you
snore?"
(Source: Talking Machine
News as quoted in The Edison Phonograph Monthly, August
1903)
"I see," said Mrs. Rolande
Parke, "that a machine has been invented to shave a man and take the
place of the barber."
"Well, I be durned!" exclaimed
her spouse; "it's funny the number of uses they can put the Phonograph
to, ain't it?"
(Source: Baltimore
News as quoted in The Edison Phonograph Monthly, August
1903)
Lithograph from Judge
1896 showing the automated barbershop of the future and the Phonograph
as the "Proxy" for barber talk.
Duffer -- You ought to buy a talking
machine. There's nothing like one to keep a fellow home nights.
Suffer -- Buy one? I married one. That's
what keeps me out.
(Source: The Edison
Phonograph Monthly, November 1903)
The engagement is off. He was calling,
and she pleasantly said: “I sang into a phonograph to-day.”
“Indeed,” he replied, innocently. “I
suppose you broke the record.”
Humor of the Day,
Longmont Ledger, January 29, 1904
An amateur flutist once
stopped in at a fair where a talking machine company had an elaborate
exhibit, and showed such an interest in the talking machines that
the attendant thought a sale was imminent, and worked very hard to
effect it.
"I see you have your flute
with you," he said, finally. "Suppose you play a brief selection,
and I will make a record of it, and you will then be able to hear
the machine reproduce it exactly."
The suggestion pleased
the amateur musician, and the idea was carried out.
"Is that an exact reproduction
of my music?" he asked, when the tune was finished.
"It is," replied the attendant.
"Do you wish to buy the
talking machine?"
"No," said the other, sadly,
as he slowly moved away. "But I'll sell the flute."
(Source: Popular Magazine
as quoted in The Edison Phonograph Monthly, May 1905)
The Edison Phonograph
Monthly, December 1906
The Juniata Herald,
October 30, 1907
"My dear," murmured the
sick man to his wife, "I am nearing the golden streets. I hear strains
of sweetest music, unearthly in its beauty, I ---"
"John," said the wife,
"what you hear is a Phonograph in the next flat."
"So it is. Darn those people
anyhow. No consideration for their neighbors. Go and tell 'em to stop
that infernal racket at once."
(Source: Exchange as
quoted in The Edison Phonograph Monthly, October 1907)
His Wife -- Why is it you
never start up the phonograph any more, John?
Her Husband -- There is
no harmony in two talking-machines running simultaneously, my dear.
(Source: Music Trades
as quoted in The Edison Phonograph Monthly, October 1907)
The Phonograph is not a
new invention, for the Garden of Eden had 'em. The first talking machine
was made from the spare rib of Adam.
(Source: Jingle from a
1906 post card with Eve and Adam as a Phonograph as quoted in The
Edison Phonograph Monthly, December 1907)
The Juniata Herald,
February 25, 1908
The Preacher: "We tried
a phonograph choir."
The Sexton: "What success?"
The Preacher: "Fine. Nobody
knew the difference till a deacon went to the loft to take up the
collection."
(Source: Talking Machine
World, March 15, 1908, p.43)
Illustration by L. M. Glackens
from Library of Congress Recorded Sound Collection RS-17 2357
The Talking Machine
World, April 15, 1908
The Juanita Herald,
March 19, 1909
Postcard, Banforth & Co.
Holmfirth, c. 1910
The Little Doctor
"What's the matter
with this Phonograph?" asks the man, puzzledly listening.
"Why, papa,"
explains the helpful little son, "I heard you say last night
that some of the Records sounded hoarse, so I put a little of that
cough syrup in the horn this morning." -- Chicago Post
(Source: reprinted by
The New Phonogram, February 1910)
Another Version of the
Phonograph's First Words
The great inventor himself
worked over the phonograph, reciting "Mary had a Little Lamb" into
it distinctly for nearly an hour without audible result.
At last he lost patience,
and slammed the thing down with a jilt, exclaiming: "Talk, damn you!
Why in blazes don't you talk?"
Then suddenly, the phonograph
broke its long silence, and squeaked out to Mr. Edison's horror: "Damn
you! Why in blazes don't you talk?"
(Source: Talking Machine
World, c. 1910)
"Some men are like
phonographs; everyday they reel off exactly the same records."
(Source: Montreal Star,
January 12, 1911)
Impresario -- Mr. Westchester
fell in love with that beautiful soprano.
Tenor -- I thought he hated
women?
Impresario -- He does;
it was her voice that charmed him.
Tenor -- And did he marry
her?
Impresario -- No; he had
some records made of her songs and then bought a phonograph.
(Source: The Talking
Machine World, August 18, 1911)
An old merchant of Indiana
was asked by his son and partner, "Dad, what shall I get you
for Christmas?"
"A talking machine,
John" said the old man. "I have always wanted one."
The father received a letter
from his son on Christmas morning. It read: "Dear Father:-- You
said you wanted a talking machine. Well, I've got you one. I am married,
and bringing home my wife."
(Source: The Talking
Machine World, Januray 15, 1912)
"Hearing those high-priced
opera singers on the phonograph is almost as good as hearing them
on the stage."
"Better. You can shut them
off whenever you like on the phonograph."
(Source: New York
World as quoted in The Edison Phonograph Monthly, February
1916)
Sam -- My wife made me
recite my New Year's resolutions into the phonograph.
Abe -- What was the idea?
Sam -- She said she wanted
to put them on record.
(Source: The Edison
Phonograph Monthly, March 1916)
Father -- My son, the
time has come for you to give up play and go to work.
Son -- You're wrong, father.
I know of a way to combine work and play. I'll get a job demonstrating
phonographs.
(Source: The Edison
Phonograph Monthly, March 1916)
Man (in car, to man sitting
in corner) -- I firmly believe that it is a man's duty to share any
good luck he may have with his wife. For instance, when he makes a
little extra profit he ought to buy her a phonograph or a piano.
Man in corner -- A good
idea! Er--are you a social philosopher, sir?
The Other-- No; I'm a retail
dealer in talking-machines and pianos.
(Source: The Edison
Phonograph Monthly, March 1916)
First Kid -- We got a
phonygraph at our house.
Second Kid -- So've we.
We got ours on the insolvent plan.
(Source: The Edison
Phonograph Monthly, May 1916)
"There's no pleasing some
people," said the janitor.
"What's the trouble?"
"A family upstairs telephones
me that they were trying to play "The Anvil Chorus' on the phonograph,
and wouldn't I please regulate the knocking of the radiator so as
to keep in time with the music."
(Source: The Edison
Phonograph Monthly, May 1916)
Judge -- "So you say words
passed between the husband and wife in this case. Did you hear what
they were?"
Witness -- "No, but I saw
them. He threw a phonograph record at her!"
(Source: Town Talk
as quoted in The Edison Phonograph Monthly, August 1916)
"The girl in the phonograph
place we patronize nightly is just full of affection."
"But she must, consider
that it is her business to put on airs."
(Source: Baltimore
American as quoted in Edison Phonograph Monthly, August 1916)
Edison Phonograph
Monthly, July 1916
Edison Phonograph
Monthly, August 1916
Edison Phonograph
Monthly, December 1916
Knock
Out at the End of Three Rounds - New Diamond Amberola Gets Decision
Dealers Who Attend
Phonograph, Incs., convention in Atlanta, Witness Lively Sporting
Event - Two Old Antagonists Meet in Three Round Fight to Finish. "Talking
Machine" Squeals as Usual.
"Talking Machine,"
a has-been who cannot come back, was defeated by "New Edison
Diamond Amberola," the present dominating figure in the phonograph
world. It was a conclusive victory and emphasizes forever the unquestioned
superiority of the New Edison Diamond Amberola over talking-machines."
"Where's
the Band?" Jokes
A countryman dropped into
the bar at the village hotel and called for a drink.
Just as he was about to
stow it beneath his vest the Phonograph began to play one of the popular
cake walks. A look akin to terror came over his face. He set his glass
down on the bar and making a bolt for the door exclaimed:
"Gee Willikins! there comes
the Warren band down the street and I forgot to tie my horses."
(Source: Democrat,
Warren, Pa. 1900)
A farmer came in while
The Farm Yard Medley was being played on an Edison for the
benefit of a customer. After listening a few moments the farmer says,
"Say! the telephone is a great thing ain't it; I tell you that
feller at the other end is a great singer, well, well, it beats me
all out."
(Source: The Phonogram,
February 1901) - Listen
to Cylinder 4276: Copy 2 Courtesy UCSB Cylinder Audio Archive
A Mistaken Conception
Mrs. O'Flaherty. (Contemplating the
nickel-in-the-slot phonograph.) -- Arrah, murth Patrick, phwat the
divil's that?
Mr. O'Flaherty. Sure, Bridget, that's
the phoneygraph.
Mrs. O'Flaherty. Pho-nay-graph is it?
And phwat do it do standing there wid a rubber hose and a glass case
loike an ay-quay-rium?
Mr. O'Flaherty. Faith and its the woonder
av the age. It's the talkin machine.
Mrs. O'Flaherty. G'lang wid yer now.
Talkin is it? A phwat does it say?
Mr. O'Flaherty. Sure is ye drop a nickel-in-the-slot
there's nothing they'll not do for you!
Mrs. O'Flaherty. And has it a voice
to it?
Mr. O'Flaherty. Whist, Bridget! Don't
expose yer ignorance. Oi'll drop foive cents in the slot, ye put the
spakeing tube to yer ears and--be hevvins--y'ill hear yer correct
weight.
(Source: The Phonogram,
December 1892)
A countryman put the ear
tubes to his ear, the machine started and he listened to one verse
of "Mollie and I and the Baby," by Geo. J. Gaskin. He put
down the tubes and said, "I'll wait until some else come in."
When asked why, he replied he didn't wan't the singer to bust his
big throat just for him. Not believing the operators' explanation
of how the machine worked he contemptuously replied, "Mister,
you're a darned Yankee, and I am from the back blocks. If I am from
the country, you can't fool me. You've got that bloke down in the
cellar."
(Source: The Phonogram,
April 1902, p.90)
The following is an article
using the same theme of mistaking the source of music for live when
the source is in reality a phonograph. In this case a Columbia 20th
Century Phonograph is playing from a third story building and "heard
distinctly for many blocks around," and a number of people thought
it to be the "premature arrival of the circus..."
The
Talking Machine World, July 1906
Post
1930 Jokes
"Say! You haven't stopped
talking since we got here! You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph
needle!"
(Source: Groucho Marx,
Duck Soup, 1933)
School Jokes - Crazy
Definitions
Two penguins are standing
around the South Pole.
One says to the other,
"Do you have a bar of soap?"
The other replies, "No,
but I have a phonograph record."
Q: Why did the cowboy
saddle up the phonograph record?
A: He wanted to
be a disc jockey.
GRANDPA was an old- fashioned,
Victorian music teacher who lived parsimoniously but couldn't resist
a bargain. Once when I visited him, he met me in a state of mildly
suppressed excitement.
"Come and see what I got at a sale,"
he said. He produced two long-playing jazz records - and Grandpa
was no jazz buff. I didn't think he even knew what jazz was. Well,
he hauled out the old windup phonograph and prepared to play the
first record. I was horrified.
"You can't play that record on that
phonograph," I spluttered. "It's a long-playing microgroove record.
The needle will ruin it."
"Nonsense," he snapped. "It's a record.
That's a record player."
His face was a study as he listened
to the agonizing, squeaky cacophony that flowed from the tired old
machine as it ground around.
With an air of finality, he took the
record off, closed the machine and said, "Well, if that's jazz,
I don't like it."
(Source: Readers
Digest)
1877 - Having just invented
the phonograph, Thomas Edison makes the first recording ever "Mary
Had A Little Lamb". Just three weeks later, the Puff Daddy re-mix
appears.
Floyd: "Hey, can you believe
it? The frog wants us to dance on a phonograph record?"
Janice: "Rully. I'd rather
dance on the floor."
(Source: The Muppet
Show 2 Album: "At the Dance")
"Today is Thomas Edison's
birthday. You know who I feel sorry for? Thomas Edison's brother.
Imagine growing up in shop class making an electric lamp, the phonograph,
he invents the movie camera. You're there with your stupid ceramic
ashtray. "
(Source: Jay Leno, The
Tonight Show, February 11, 2003 )
Taylor Swift - Red
(Taylor's Version) (Target Exclusive, Vinyl) (4 LP) 2021
Following the release of Taylor Swift's
new 4 LP limited edition album Red (only available at Target) in November
2021 there were some negative reviews written.. Several buyers complained
that the records were defective since it sounded like a man singing
on all of the tracks. One person noted that she tried to play the
record on a second turntable and had the same issue!
The problem, however, wasn't a defective
but rather the simple fact that these records were designed to be
played at 45 rpm, not 33 1/3 rpm.
Although one would think these users
might have realized something was wrong with the speed they probably
didn't grow up when part of the fun of playing a record was changing
the speed from 45 to 78 and turning a song into an "Alvin and
the Chipmunks" rendition.
In their defense, however, if an album
is sold as an LP (i.e., "long playing") there is the popular culture
definition of an LP and historical expectation that an LP plays at
a speed of 33 1/3 rpm.
The "About this Item" on Target's
webpage for Swift's 4 LP Target Exclusive does note in the "Highlights"
section • Play at 45 rpm for optimal sound quality.
Their "Specifications" section,
however, only notes:
Software Format: Vinyl
Friends of the Phonograph, therefore,
give Target a half Pinocchio (actually .45) for calling Swift's
album an LP and for not clearly noting it played at 45 rpm.
To clarify the "misunderstanding"
a user posted the following on Target's "share your pics"
section to note that "some records play at 45 rpm (rotations
per minute) this is one."
This information was
also added to Target's website (in their share your pics).
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